WHY I PUSHED LITTLE KIDS… AWAY
This post is not about kids I know or see on planned play dates, or my fellow mommy friends. This is about trying to play with my kids at the park, and being swarmed by a dozen stray children starving for attention, and me constantly asking the question
“WHERE IS THIS KID’S PARENTS?!”
First off let me start by saying, I am not a mean person. Those who know me well would probably describe me as bubbly, excited, and happy. I’ve always been an outgoing person with seemingly endless energy to be around people, especially little ones. Before I had my own kids, I LOVED little children, especially my nephews. They were like my own babies, and I nurtured them as if I was their mother. I loved to baby-sit, and I did the baby talk, bedtime routine… everything.
Then I had a baby. And I realized I didn’t have quite as much energy to pay attention to other little ones, but I still tried. I still believed in my heart that little kids were sooo cute and innocent and all were gifts from God.
Then I had another baby, and my patience, and energy level began to diminish rapidly. Now only some little kids were cute enough for me to tolerate, and I was having a hard time imagining that the naughty kids were sent from the same place as the gifts from God.
Then I found out that my first child has autism, and I could never take my eyes off of him at the park, or he might suddenly take out another kid, run towards a dog, or wander into the bathrooms. Also at that time my second baby started walking and climbing and exploring, so needless to say I had my hands full.
At this highly stressful point in my life, no kid was cute, I didn’t know where kids came from, and I didn’t care.
Go get your mom.
My desire and capacity to pay attention to other kids all but disappeared. I felt like I only had enough sanity to focus on my two kids. Adding any more weight to this mentally fragile boat would have caused it to capsize, and no one, ESPECIALLY no child should be around a mother who is mentally drowning and struggling for air. She is just not a nice person in this circumstance… and she will probably have some very shrill tones and very choice words to use. So I began to push kids away. I never did this physically of course, but I pushed the kids away by not being interesting or interested. Either one.
Whichever helped the child lose interest in me faster, and go back to his mom.
I struggled with this for a while. I didn’t know how to NOT be annoyed every time a random kid approached me on the playground while I was assisting one of my babies and had a zillion questions to ask. I always did a good job at keeping a nice polite tone, but my answers were very short and curt. I hardly ever made eye contact, and wanted the kid to leave just as fast as he walked up.
One particular beautiful fall day, I decided to take my kids to the park. As soon as I stepped foot on the playground with my kids, a little girl with beautiful almond skin and brown eyes approached me… and didn’t leave my side for the next hour.
Our initial conversation went like this:
Kid: Hi, do you want to know my name?
Me: umm.. (not making eye contact and moving away, going for the fade away)
Kid: (not phased) It’s Sarah. Guess how old I am? 5 years old. That’s my brother over there. Do you want to see what I can do?
Me: Ya know Sarah I really need to watch my kids, but I bet your mom wants to see. Where is she by the way?
Kid: ( looked over at Jovi) I can do the monkey bars so much faster than he can.
Me: Well “he” is actually my daughter Jovi, and she is not even 2 years old, so she can’t do them just yet.
Kid: Oh that’s a girl? Are you sure? She looks like a boy.
Me: (now gritting my teeth a little bit) Yes Sarah I’m sure my daughter is a girl.
Kid: Guess what grade I’m in?
Me: I’m not sure, but I bet I know who can guess. Your mom. Where is she?
Kid: Kindergarten. They taught us a fun game, want me to show you?
Me: Hey I know a fun game, do you want to play? (Sarah’s eye got really big with excitement). It’s called let’s find your mom and get her to come play.
I kept wondering where this girl’s mom was. If I was a kidnapper or a pedophile, it would have been a piece of cake to walk away with this kid, and I don’t know if anyone would have noticed. And that is scary! Scary and sad! Well the hour went on and as much as I didn’t want to talk to this little girl, she stuck to me.
Sarah wanted to help push my daughter in the swings. Sarah wanted to warn my son about the puddle underneath the water section of the playground. It turned out that Sarah actually wasn’t as annoying as I assumed she was. Towards the end, I mustered up the little energy I had left, and I indulged her conversations. I broke my own rules. I became interesting and interested. And naturally like every little kid, she loved it. To me it seemed like I was giving a starving kid a long-awaited feast. For just a little bit, Sarah didn’t seem as empty and clingy. Sarah was happy, because she was important to someone.
It was nearing dinnertime so I rounded up my kids and told them we needed to go eat. A shadow fell across Sarah’s face as she slunk back, realizing that we were going home, and she wasn’t coming with us. The earlier longing for warmth and attention returned, and I could see exactly what she was thinking. I wish someone would take me home and care about me like that. For the first time in a long time my heart softened for another child. I felt so sad for her, and talked to her for just a few seconds more before my kids dragged me away. I couldn’t help but think some negative judgmental thoughts about her mom.
Where was she? What could possibly be more important than her little girl?
As I was taking the kids to the car I looked behind me and saw her approach a young beautiful girl with chocolate skin and almond eyes. From their uncanny resemblance I assumed this was her mother. The young woman had been sitting in a corner on a bench, lost in her own world on her phone. She looked sad. Her body language told the world she felt defeated, and run down, with even less energy to give than I had. She didn’t seem to have the confidence to look up and make eye contact with anyone. Sarah sat next to her, looked at her and then put her head on her mom’s shoulder and just waited for her attention.
All of my judgmental thoughts just dissipated, and I wish I had found the mother earlier- not to return her clingy child but to maybe strike up a conversation and boost her spirits a little.
She reminded me of myself on my hardest days. She resembled me the day I heard the words “Your son has autism” from a psychologist, shooting down my lingering hopes that somehow everyone was wrong.
She resembled me on days when I had appointment after appointment and no break resulting in no energy for my kids at the park. I saw myself in this sweet broken mom, and my heart ached for her. I wondered what bad news she got that day or what challenges filled her life making her look so empty.
I gave my kids both an extra tight hug before I put them in their car seats, and then drove away thinking of Sarah’s sad almond eyes.
I was reminded of something that day. It was a simple, important truth that had been forgotten since I became a busy mom of 2 kids. The truth is that every single “annoying”, attention seeking, stray child that clings to my legs and asks 5,000 questions at the park is special, and my interaction with him/her matters.
Every child comes to this world innocent, bright-eyed, eager to learn and full of love. They come as an empty slate, and a pure soul, just waiting to be filled with life’s experiences. I look at it like they got sent down from Heaven with their heart as an empty canteen placed inside their little bodies.
For the short years that the child is so vulnerable and eager to please, it is the parents’ responsibility to fill this canteen to the brim with positivity, optimism, love, encouragement, confidence, self-worth, etc. These sweet children need it, for when their attention turns from inside the home to outside the home, the world will be searching for an empty canteen not properly filled that they can fill themselves.
Though I don’t have the resources, time, energy, or capacity to fill each child’s canteen that crosses my path, I do have the power to put in a drop or two of optimism and warmth and sweetness and love. And the next time I am at the park, tired, and tempted to be annoyed with parents who won’t dang play with their kids, I won’t take it out on the eager child calling my daughter a boy, instead I’ll think of beautiful almond eyes and remember that every drop matters.
Kay K Byers
September 3, 2017An absolutely wonderful, honest and insightful post, Alyssa. You were always a “special” YW to me and you are an even more awesome mom grown up and mom…
alyssaleolani1@gmail.com
September 3, 2017Thank you so much Kay! That means so much to me!!! I appreciate you taking the time to read this and your sweet sincere feedback! My heart is just overflowing with joy and gratitude from the love I feel from you. So grateful for my home ward family, it doesn’t seem to matter how long it has been since I’ve lived in Canyon Country, you guys always feel like home to me. Love you!
Maddie Woodhouse
September 3, 2017Love this. I’ve had kids come up and start talking to me too and I think the same things, where is your mother? Such a good reminder that every child needs a little attention and encouragement. Great post ❤️
alyssaleolani1@gmail.com
September 3, 2017Thanks Maddie! I’m so glad I’m not the only one who feels the same way! Thanks for the encouragement and positive feedback, without you and your blogging expertise, I would not have made it this far haha! Still lots to learn but it’s nice to get my articles out there finally. PS We miss you guys so much!
Anne
September 3, 2017My heart literally aches for Sarah. Having a 5 year old myself. Those sweet spirits are going to be Great Humans one day. They will be the Moms and Dads and I worry for the kinds of parents they will be, being raised by parents who give zero attention and time. Heart breaking. I’m so glad u chatted with her and loved her. She needed you and that’s why you were there.
alyssaleolani1@gmail.com
September 3, 2017Thank you Anne! You have always been such a good example of pure love to everyone, including all kids around you. It’s something I always noticed and admired with you. You can always love any child like he/she is your own, and I think that is so special that you have that nurturing gift! I look up to you in so many ways!
Julie
September 3, 2017I didn’t think I would be crying this morning but your thoughtful and incredible/ insightful words have moved me. Dimples, you have so many gifts and thank you for sharing this one with the world. I love you lady. -Julie Harrison
alyssaleolani1@gmail.com
September 3, 2017My dear friend Tex, I love you and your tender heart so much!!! Thank you for always being such a supportive friend. It’s been years since we worked together and since we have even seen each other and yet you always remain a constant voice of optimism and encouragement and love. It means so much to me! Thank you from the bottom of my heart!
Jen
September 3, 2017I LOVED this!! You are an amazing writer! And by the way, if you have no idea who I am, we are cousins… On the Woodhouse side😉 Anyways, it seems like you are doing a great job at this mom thing😉 Being a mom is one of the hardest, but most rewarding jobs ever❤️
alyssaleolani1@gmail.com
September 3, 2017Jen I am so glad you read this and then reached out and commented! I love our Woodhouse side relatives but over the years we have lost touch with so many. I would love it if we stayed connected from here on out. Thank you for your kind words! It is so encouraging!! You are so right, being a mom is so hard yet soooo rewarding. It’s crazy how that works out. You’re awesome!
JB
September 3, 2017I loved this! Thanks for sharing your thoughts and feelings. It was so touching.
alyssaleolani1@gmail.com
September 3, 2017I am so glad you enjoyed it! Thanks for taking the time to read it and give me feedback, it is very encouraging. I appreciate it thank you!
Natalie
September 5, 2017Oh my goodness my sweet friend Alyssa who writes so beautifully!! It made my day today and made me take an extra moment out of my day/weekend home with the kids to sit and play blocks and go on a family walk!! Keep writing and you hit it dead on for all of us moms and hang in there as so do I and we need to always continue to look at the glass half full rather than how empty!! I love you and you brightened my day!!!
alyssaleolani1@gmail.com
September 5, 2017Oh my word you are so sweet, thank you for reading and thank you for this sweet feedback! Holy cow it made me feel so good, I am grateful you took the time to tell me how the post inspired you! I LOVE IT! Good job to you, you are an exceptional mama, and I applaud you for taking the time out of your busy schedule to really see them and spend quality time with them. It is not easy! You are an inspiration to me as well, I love you!!!
Katt
September 5, 2017I love this and I love that I can totally hear your voice through it all. I love you and I admire you as a mom and as a person. You are the best and I miss you!!
alyssaleolani1@gmail.com
September 18, 2017Thank you Katt!! haha I love that you can hear my voice telling the story, that is what I am going for. I want my friends to feel like we are sitting next to each other just having a heartfelt intimate conversation. The admiration and respect goes both ways. You have been an amazing example of strength and optimism and faith this past year. I love you and I miss you.. .and tell Justin his best friend says hi lol.
Susie Greer
September 6, 2017Great post Alyssa! We’ve all felt that way about other people’s kids. Where ARE their parents? I’m always too quick to judge. Thanks for the reminder that these kids just need some love and attention too, like we all do! Sure miss you guys, but glad you’re doing well!
alyssaleolani1@gmail.com
September 18, 2017Oh thanks for taking the time to read this and comment Susie, it means a lot to me! We miss you too, but I don’t imagine it will be too long before I find my way back to your house… 🙂 it’s just too hard to stay away for too long. Hope you and Troy are doing well and keeping busy!!! Love to you guys!
Janine Wilson
September 22, 2017Alyssa, you have always been such a fun person to be around…you always have given your light to lift another. Thank YOU for your honest posts. You have touched my heart this evening as I read two of your posts. Life is so hard and you have encouraged so many by your great example of sharing your feelings. Love you and miss seeing your contagious fun personality. Janine Wilson