Alyssa Leolani

“Whether it’s roses, fresh cookies, or a skunk, when you get a whiff of something, molecules travel through your nose and to your odor receptors. This pathway then triggers the olfactory bulb in the brain’s limbic system and fragrant magic happens. Memories rush back, appetites roar, or something screams, ‘Get the Lysol!’…

After a few minutes, your brain tends to blot out any constant and unchanging stimulus such as a certain smell. To keep your nervous system from exhausting itself with continuous stimuli, the receptors experience temporary sensory fatigue, or olfactory adaptation. Odor receptors stop sending messages to the brain about a lingering odor and instead focus on novel smells.”

(The Mag. “How Do Our Noses “Adjust” to Bad Smells?” Mental Floss, 11 Sep. 2017).

What a fascinating concept! The nose can be so enthralled by a powerful scent one minute, and then completely bored the next minute! The novelty of the smell seems to wear off, and then the nose is on to the next stimulating aroma. I had no idea noses were so sleazy. (I thought I was SO clever here but my husband Zach didn’t even crack a smile at that line. I mean come on! A sleazy nose?? THAT’S HILARIOUS ZACH!). Anyways…

I have often wondered if this same notion runs true for our eyes.

Is it possible for a gorgeous captivating place or object to lose it’s charming appeal over time? And if that is the case with places, objects, smells, etc., could this also be true for how we see people? How many times have I been shocked when the world’s most beautiful celebrity couple calls it quits? I always think in my mind “No way! They are way TOO BEAUTIFUL to not be together! Don’t they see what is right in front of them?! I mean how do two gorgeous people not work out??”

If beauty does lose it’s appeal over time, how do we combat that? How does a typical, well-intentioned, sights-set-on-eternity marriage make it through the times when a wife looks at her husband lying next to her and panicked thinks, “Oh my gosh I am not attracted to him”? Or when a husband looks at his wife and suddenly can’t remember why they even got together in the first place? Is there a way to bring back the novelty of a first kiss to tired lips that have kissed over a million times?

I had an experience where my marriage lost it’s “smell”. With the permission of my husband I would like to share it.

Let me start by saying my husband is the closest thing to perfect on this earth. No really, he is! Let me lay out a fictitious scene I picture in my head to illustrate how Zach was tailor made for me.

Before this lifetime, I imagine an angel in Heaven holding a typical matchmaking assembly. This particular one is being held for me addressing prospective suitors, to see who would be willing to cross my path and potentially marry me. The angel starts the meeting with excitement and positive energy for matchmaking is the most entertaining and exciting duty in all of Heaven!

“Okay I’ll start the bidding by introducing our girl! Alyssa is funny and sweet and a very happy soul with an infectious laugh. She loves people, has a strong spiritual side and loves family more than anything else in the world! She has the potential to be a supportive, happy wife and a very kind, caring mother. She appears to be as sweet as can be with a heart of gold. Do we have any potential interests in this young woman?”

Almost all of the hands go up with excited whispers and laughs throughout the crowd.

The angel looks down at his notes and pauses, a little taken aback at what he reads. He continues, “But I have to say it says in my notes that she is emotional and her hormones will be completely out of control at times …”

A few hands drop.

“Apparently she will cry a lot… Hmmm I see a side note here saying that she will be of Polynesian descent so she will have crazy ethnic lioness hair in the mornings and that she will uncontrollably laugh when she gets tired…”

More hands drop.

“She will also have a strange addiction to peanut butter, and at that time… (clears his throat nervously and whispers)… at that time of the month it seems like she doesn’t even talk! Just sleeps, cries, eats… and makes irrational decisions.” The angel comments to himself out loud, “Hmmm that can’t be right… such an interesting girl…”

More hands go down.

The angel sighs wishing he didn’t have to read the rest of his note cards but matchmaking protocol says all relevant information must be revealed.

“Her favorite time to talk will be the moment your head hits the pillow… and… uh (nervous laughter)… apparently she cannot resist a good muli-slap if you happen to bend over…”

Silence fills the room except for some urgent worried whispering.

The angel waits a few moments in awkward silence afraid to look up. He finally raises his head and says with a forced smile and feigned enthusiasm, “But apparently she is a bundle of joy and a lot of fun! Now who can I send down to meet our lovely Alyssa?”

At this point the room has cleared and there is only one brave, selfless soul standing. Zachery Colton Porter. My knight in shining armor. The only man with enough courage to take me on, and the only one in the whole wide world and all of Heaven who could deal with all of my crazy. Hubba hubba, what a stud.

Zach has been a consistent anchor in our home. Someone who is a voice of reason and always bringing me back down to earth. Zach supports my wild ideas that I always seem to have after midnight (and I absolutely CANNOT wait until morning to tell him about them). He encourages me to pursue dreams, and he appreciates me as the mother of his children, his helpmate and best friend. I won the jackpot with this guy.

Things had been pretty easygoing with us for the first few years of marriage. We had our natural disagreements, fights, and differences of opinions but for the most part we get along extremely well.

We moved to Los Angeles in our 4^th year of marriage so Zach could pursue a masters degree in finance at USC. Jovi was 6 months old and Jagger was 22 months old. We were only there for 4 months before I noticed that something was going on with our son. Jagger turned 2 and he still wasn’t talking. In fact when I would talk to him, it seemed like my words just bounced off of him. I mentioned it to the pediatrician and that marked the beginning of our autism journey. For the next year and a half we would truly learn what stressed out meant. In the blink of an eye, I went from carefree play dates and nap times to suddenly drowning in appointments with specialists, doctors, therapists, and psychologists. I was calling our insurance provider constantly on car rides for coverage, billing questions and for help with these services. In between taking care of a baby and a toddler and juggling my to-do list, I was researching anything and everything on the internet about autism and making my way through books and blogs at night. To say I was spread thin is an understatement.

At this time period, I completely shut down under all of the stress. There was no time for anything outside of Jagger’s development and health, including my marriage. I began to pull away from Zach. I didn’t want to be touched, kissed, sweet talked, or even looked at. Zach could not possibly understand or relate to everything I was going through and the burden of Jagger’s development on my shoulders. These thoughts led to resentful feelings making me pull away.

It got so extreme that at one point I was hiding in the bathroom or closet to change because I didn’t want Zach to see me and view me romantically. I had no time or desire for any romance! My sweet loyal faithful husband was dying during this lonely time. He missed me. I swear he could hear my shirt drop on the ground from the other side of the house and would literally drop what he was doing and come running into the room and say, “umm did you call my name?” or “oh hey honey sorry I didn’t know you were in here, I was just looking for the… um… screwdriver”. Uh huh, sure. To which I would reply, “Get out of here pervert!”

It’s hilarious now to laugh about how crazy I was, but at the time it was awful. We were not the best friends we once were, and there was a growing distance between us. We began to feel more like business partners splitting up domestic duties than husband and wife enjoying life together.

It wasn’t long before I started to have dreams of a childhood best friend.

A dear friend I once cared for deeply. The first time I saw him in my dream, I felt lighter. Happier. Relieved. I woke up thinking wow that was crazy, but quickly forgot about it and went on with my day.

But then he appeared in my dream again the next night. And then the next. And then the next. I began to have dreams about this old childhood sweetheart for weeks! The dreams were never of a physically intimate nature, but I felt closer to this boy in my dreams than I did to my husband in reality. In my dreams we would walk together and I would just talk to him and confide in him like old times.

I began to wake up very confused.

I can’t control my dreams, so why should I feel guilty? Is it bad to enjoy seeing someone from your past in a dream if it’s not real?

Pretty soon this situation began to be very distracting. I would wake up in the morning and spend half the day trying to sort out my thoughts and feelings. I was very confused on how to control what was happening night after night. After about a month of this continuing, the distance between Zach and I was still growing, and I was confiding more in my old childhood sweetheart in my dreams than I was in my husband.

One night I had a vivid vision that stood out more than the rest. In this particular dream I had finished walking and talking with my old friend, and he pulled me in close to hug me. I hesitated, and then pulled back. I was very confused. I knew this was wrong but couldn’t remember why. I was trying so hard to remember. I looked around me in the dream and thought but everything is perfect here! This nostalgic scene, this boy, I’m relaxed and happy… but I’m forgetting something… what am I forgetting?!

And then I woke up. I woke up and was staring at my sweet husband. And I remembered what I forgot. This particular dream snapped me out of my fantasyland. I had allowed myself for too long to exist in two different worlds hiding behind the excuse that I couldn’t control it and that I was powerless to do anything about it. This was not entirely true. I couldn’t control it, but someone else could.

I got down on my knees and I prayed. For the first time in a long time I had a sincere prayer begging for help.

“Heavenly Father, help me out of this awful rut I am in with my husband, “ I pleaded. I petitioned for assistance and a change of heart and forgiveness. I implored for new desires and a fresh perspective.

And then I finally asked, “Please stop the dreams. I can’t see this boy anymore. I can’t stop the dreams but I know You can. Please help me.”

A part of me wanted to be stubborn and hold on to a part of my childhood a little bit longer, but I knew that it had to come to an end for the sake of focusing on my marriage.

That was the last night I saw my childhood sweetheart in my dreams.

The next day I told Zach everything. It was not easy, and I was really sad I hurt his feelings. However for the first time in a long time we were honest about where we stood and acknowledging it felt refreshing. A bit like spring-cleaning. We were unhappy but willing to fix it.

For a while we didn’t know how to fix it. We walked around each other like strangers trying to get to know each other again, and it felt awkward and unnatural. We began to overly talk things out and over analyze. We were beating our issues to death, and were considering seeing a marriage and family therapist. At the end of a particular conversation I suddenly remembered something about our beginning. I saw a vague image of who we were when we first started dating and it was a bit like smelling a heartwarming familiar pumpkin spice candle. We used to be really happy, and I knew that because in all of my early memories of us, we were laughing. We would laugh all the time.

I said it out loud right then, “You need to make me laugh again.”

Zach looked at me confused.

“Not right now,” I clarified. “But let’s go on a date where there is no pressure to work out our issues, there is no autism, there are no stresses with our kids or sleepless nights. Just make me laugh.”

My sweet husband just looked at me and then said, “Okay.”

That night I was coming home from a grocery shopping trip and when I got to the front door I saw a sign. It said Welcome to Game Night. I walked in and set out before me were a few board games and a piece of paper with handwritten made up rules for a truth-or-dare get to know you game (two of those rules were no public nudity and no dare that could potentially involve the police. I was dying!!).

We locked the bedroom door and played games all night. We played Spot it, Monopoly, Truth or Dare and even had a dance party. We talked about things other than autism, and kids, grad school and money. We were silly and goofy and it felt so good to be that way! I didn’t even know those sides of us still existed!

And for the first time in a long time we laughed. We genuinely laughed. So hard that our stomachs hurt, and I was crying.

And then there it was. That little spark that was buried deeeeeep down inside each one of us reignited, and things shifted after that night. We had a starting point, and a nostalgic feeling reminding us that our personalities had once meshed so well together and could do so once again. There was hope.

Looking back at that hard time I am so grateful we powered through. That time period has since strengthened us and increased our confidence. No matter what is thrown our way, we WILL make it through together.

So what do you do when your nose loses interest in your favorite holiday candle, and you can’t smell it anymore?

You change it up. The nose gets used to a scent that never changes, but you can wake it up by adding something new to the original mixture. If you allow your mind to revisit the memories associated with this sentimental scent, the magic will rush in again and take you back to that original scene that made this scent unforgettable in the first place. There is ALWAYS a way to make old smells exciting and novel again. There is always hope.

And if it’s true for your nose, it’s true for your eyes.