When I was growing up in southern California, my family with seven kids financially struggled for quite a few years. The five of us older siblings took on jobs as soon as we could, and helped our parents out by paying for our own cell phones/bills, car insurance, gas, missions, college, etc. We all worked hard, but there were still days we came home exhausted and overwhelmed wondering if we would ever make enough to not just make ends meet, but to live comfortably. I think deep down we all feared that we would be sucked into staying in our hometown and living with our parents forever.
To take our minds off of our burdensome situation, my siblings and I would go on long drives around fancy neighborhoods and just look at all the extravagant houses. With the music on low we would talk about life, goals, and dreams as we cruised around admiring the unique architecture around us. I don’t know why but it brought us a tremendous amount of comfort, and for a brief time period we wouldn’t be thinking about our empty pockets. I imagined that only happy families lived inside those elegant walls, because anything besides happiness would just clash with the beautiful house they lived in! I assumed that the people inside were easily taken care of in ways my family wasn’t, and I wondered what it was like to be that safe and secure financially. To my 16-year-old eyes, their lavish dinner tables represented security, abundance, and social acceptance, and I yearned for an invitation to dine there too.
Over the years I didn’t make enough to literally have my own mansion. However, I seemed to be invited to that worldly feast as doors of opportunities opened up to me. I had many guardian angels take me under their wing and generously provide what I did not have until I got on my own feet. With more change in my pockets than before and acceptance by people around me, it felt like I was for once on the inside of one of those gorgeous homes looking out, instead of the other way around. I felt like I had earned a spot at the lavish dinner table of the world… and it felt so good.
After living comfortably and cushy in the world for a while, I had forgotten what it was like to be on the outside looking in… until I had an autistic son.
And just like that I found myself back on the street looking at big beautiful houses again, longing to take my son inside. On Jagger’s journey, we walk on a fictitious street called the Street of Opportunity, and all the beautiful houses are named. The Home of Health, Happiness, Success, Prosperity, Happy Marriage, etc. is printed above the various front doors. The one house we can’t seem to stay in for long is Education. Having a son who learns, speaks, behaves, and plays differently than other kids has often left us standing outside banging on the front door. I have often gone to extremes to get Jagger into programs and activities, and it makes me feel like I’m on all fours on the porch, sticking my head through the doggy door yelling, “Give him a chance! JUST LET US IN!”
While we struggle so hard to be invited in, other families seem to walk on in, right past us with ease. I have often cried while looking at other kids through the windows just wishing Jagger was awarded the same chance to do everything they were able to do.
I thought for just one moment though we had a chance to walk inside.
The preschool we chose for Jagger is a private one, and a prominent one at that. The school has a very good reputation and is known for it’s rigid structure and focus on academics. When my mother-in-law first called them to inquire information for her autistic grandson, the receptionist on the phone was very rude and curt saying this wasn’t a place for kids with disabilities. This response fired me up. To me, this was yet another fancy house we stood outside of, and I was determined to get Jagger inside. He deserved to be there as much as any other child. Jagger is very, very bright so I knew he could handle the academics, and I figured the predictable, daily routine would help him jump in. I got Jagger in but the school made sure to tell me that they would not make any special accommodations for Jagger. If he needs any kind of sensory help or an aide, they would not allow that and he would need to go elsewhere. I knew all of this beforehand and chose to put Jagger in anyways thinking that for the most part he was ready, and surely they would help him a little if needed. Jagger deserved a seat at the lavish dinner table in the Home of Education!
Two months passed, and though there were some adjustments and bumps in the road along the way, I thought everything was going ok. Jagger is a good-natured kid, and he never complains. He was impressing everyone with his ability to keep up and was even progressing faster than his classmates. Though everything seemed fine, I was prompted to visit his class again and observe.
The kids were sitting at a table eating their snack and the teacher went on to quiz the kids with flashcards while they ate. The children had to identify the card and say what letter the object started with. With only 5 kids present that day, I was surprised that the teacher went around and around the table but didn’t ask Jagger once to do a card. The other kids were raising their hand and were eagerly waiting to be called on while Jagger just looked around the room and ate his snack.
Come on. Ask Jagger one! He does this all the time with me at home! He knows the answer! He knows way more than that blonde kid picking his nose! I thought in my mind willing the teacher to just stoop down for a second, get on his eye level, and ask him a question. But because he didn’t raise his hand or look at the teacher like the other kids did, he was overlooked. My heart sank as she went around and around the table with the other kids and my little guy just sat there and looked around. I wanted to run in there so badly and educate her about all the sensory distractions for autistic kids that take their eyes away. I wanted to tell her that he is listening! Sometimes looking away helps him process the question. Don’t give up on him! But to my disappointment snack time ended before Jagger was even talked to.
Next was outdoor play. Last time Jagger played by himself and I ugly cried in my car for an hour. I held my breath as I watched again… from my car again. Like a creeper mom… again.
Jagger turned into a monster and started chasing the kids. At first it was a fun game but after a bit I didn’t like how all of the kids just ran from him. It didn’t seem like they were actually playing with him, just screaming and running away from him. Jagger loves Halloween and because he is delayed with speech and because socializing doesn’t come naturally to him, one way he tries to engage with the kids is by becoming a monster. I wished the teacher supervising right next to him would say, “Hey guys, let’s take turns. Now you chase Jagger!” Or “Hey how about we play another game?” ANYTHING to include my little guy. Nothing. In fact he got in trouble for scaring another little boy. After Jagger was talked to, I watched him walk onto a play structure with his head down by himself and play alone the rest of the time. I could feel Jagger’s intentions of what he was trying to do. I knew he didn’t mean to scare anyone. He just wanted to play but didn’t know how to initiate it. I wondered if the teachers also believed another common myth about autism, which is autistic kids prefer to play by themselves. Not true in most cases actually, and in Jagger’s case socializing plays a huge role in his self-confidence.
Well what happened next is easily predictable. Ugly mom cry. Again.
My heart was so heavy the rest of the day. It’s not like anyone had been out right mean to Jagger, but they overlooked him, and this was not the first time I had witnessed it. Every time I saw it, it was just as painful as if they had sticks and stones in their hands. Here is a school that prides themselves on academics and works hard to make a genius out of every kid, not realizing that they already have a genius in front of their face!
But because Jagger swims instead of climbs their way, he was denied a seat at their feast. I realized that this prestigious school, this fancy House that I had shoved my foot in the door to get Jagger in to was being added to our list of closed doors. Though Jagger never complained, his digression in eye contact, enthusiasm for school and confidence now made sense. He was becoming a result of their expectations, and I would be darned if I just sat back and allowed them to damage his self-esteem any longer.
Needless to say, I was pretty down after my wake-up call, and lost in thought about where we would go next. We were out on the Street of Opportunity again searching for our place, and it was an unnerving feeling.
After I picked up my kids from school, I actually found myself driving on a scenic street with charming homes. This had a calming effect on me as it made me instantly think of my siblings and all those long drives we had gone on together. I missed them. I wished one of them lived closer but just the memory of our long drives brought comfort to my aching heart.
As I kept driving, I noticed that one particular home looked like it was straight out of a fairy tale story with it’s quaint style and cozy look. I slowed down driving in front of it, instantly jealous of the perfectly happy family that had the privilege of living inside. And that’s when I noticed the burgundy leather recliner chair sitting out front.
Hmm, they must be giving that away…
Before I could rationalize what I was doing, I rolled the windows down and put the car in park with the engine still running so my kids continued to happily watch their show.
I walked over and sat in this lovely, leather, recliner chair sitting on the front lawn of a gorgeous home. My body sank into it immediately, and I could feel my stressed body just relax for a second. I looked around me and was taken aback by the gorgeous weather on this stunning Fall day. There were dozens of trees lining this street and the slight breeze sent the brilliant gold leaves cascading down around me. I closed my eyes and breathed in deep, and just listened to the leaves hit the ground.
After a moment, I looked behind me at this magnificent house and for the first time I did not yearn to be inside of it. I could see that the people on the inside were actually the ones missing out on the most incredible view.
And just like that my perspective changed. Hope filled my body and rejuvenated me. I found my fire. I realized that I spent most of my life competing for a seat at a worldly feast and was desperate to get Jagger an invitation there as well. But that didn’t seem so appealing anymore as I remembered that the King of all kings didn’t spend His time relaxing in luxurious homes with fancy feasts. He was outside in the shadows and dirt with misfits, loners, eccentrics, and sinners. If the invitation to dine with the Savior only required a humble and pure heart, then surely Jagger would always have a seat next to Him. This imagery took away the sting of rejection that was so fresh just moments earlier. I started to feel like the world didn’t have as much power over us anymore as I remembered which dinner table we wanted to sit at and who’s house we wanted to dwell in.
I could hear my kids start screaming my name so I slowly got up from the recliner chair and walked to my car. I looked back at my kids and resolved that no matter how the world treats them, there would be no shortage of warmth and love in MY home. I can’t change how the insurance companies don’t recognize autism. I can’t force every teacher in every school district around to appreciate and really see my son, but I can control what my kids are taught and how they feel in my home. I can teach them that for every rejection given by the world, there is always a place for them in our home.
I called up my husband and had a conversation that sounded like this:
Me: “Hi sweetheart I have two things I want to discuss with you. First of all, can you come help me lift a leather burgundy recliner chair into the van?
Zach: No I will not and you don’t have my permission to bring home any more furniture from the side of the road. We talked about this.
Me: Okay fine. Next thing. I would like to go back to school to get my dual masters degree in teaching and special education so that I can open up charter schools for kids who learn outside the box. And I’m not getting off the phone until you share my enthusiasm and support my idea.
Zach: (sighed)… Okay let’s hear it…
When I sat down to write about this experience, I realized that we are not the only ones waiting outside on the Street of Opportunity. I can see that this street is filled with crowds of people trying to get to their next destination. Though the doors my family knocks on are unique to our personal trial, I’ve noticed that every single person at one time or another experiences standing outside a door begging for the chance to go inside and be accepted somewhere.
I know family members and precious friends who lay down on the doormat of Physical Health lacking the energy to stand up and knock. Other family members rub their hands together trying to keep themselves warm on the porch of Financial Security with patched jeans and bare feet. I have dear friends who sit with their heads down outside the Home of Mental Health, and I see sweet couples who weep outside the Home of Fertility. Perhaps the hardest scene to see though is the broken-hearted ones kneeling outside the Home of Healing, hoping for some compensation and consolation for the tragic losses they have had in their lifetime. It seems that this street is lined with broken hearts, yearning desires, and unfulfilled dreams and we are not alone in our suffering.
It gives me anxiety that I can’t control my situation or which doors will open up to Jagger. The only way my mind and heart seem to quiet down and stop being so angry is when I remember which door is always open.
“Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls”(Matthew 11:28-29).
That’s a promise that no school or institution or autism expert in the world could ever give me. It’s a promise by the Savior to calm the storm in my soul, and as a mother in the midst of panic and turmoil, I cling to that promise more now than I ever have.
Whatever House you stand in front of and whatever closed door you persistently knock on, know that it’s going to be okay. It’s going to be okay! On the hard days I repeat this to myself over and over again to remind myself. It’s going to be okay. There will be a time when our patience and pleading prayers will be answered, and all the extravagant, lavish, gorgeous, warm Homes on this street will be open to all.
Until then have a seat next to me on a burgundy, leather recliner on the front lawn, and let’s enjoy our view.
Jordan Enciso
November 5, 2017Love this so much! You are so amazing and have such a strong testimony! Jagger and Jovi are so lucky to have you as their mom and advocate!! ❤️
alyssaleolani1@gmail.com
November 11, 2017Thank you so much Jordan, I appreciate your sweet words!
I miss seeing you and your family more frequently! I hope all is well with you guys!
yasmin hannemann
November 5, 2017My Dear Sweet, Beautiful, Intelligent, Articulate, Awwwwesome Niece, Daughter, Sister, and Special Special MOTHER…. There aren’t enough words for me to express My Absolute Amazement of Your Gift of Sharing Your Thoughts & Experiences that Touch Me so Deeply on Every Level, but especially How You Make Everything so Simple to Understand and Comprehend and relate to “The GOSPEL & HEAVENLY FATHER’S PLAN.” I Always look forward to hear what You have to Share & Say, and am Grateful to read your words because it makes Me Laugh & Cry, and Feel of Your LOVE for Your CHILDREN, FAMILY, & The GOSPEL….. Keep it Up! Don’t Stop! FAMILIES ARE 4EVER!!!
alyssaleolani1@gmail.com
November 11, 2017Aunty I love you so much!! THANK YOU for this sweet sweet message! I was thinking as you were complimenting my way with words how much I would love to read a blog that YOU write! You have such a gift for storytelling just like Grams did with her words, you would be a phenomenal writer. I’m grateful for the gift that seems to run in the Hannemann family! Thank you so much for being so supportive and loving and encouraging, it helps me feel connected to you even though we are far away. I love you so much and I love how you printed it out and make Vaiolini read it hahaha! love and miss you guys! Families are forever!
Anne
November 5, 2017Alyssa– as beautifully written and articulated as ever! I’m so grateful for ur expiernces and that ur willing to share them so honestly and openly.
alyssaleolani1@gmail.com
November 11, 2017Thank you so much Annie!! I appreciate the love and support that comes from you constantly. I love how you never disappear from my life even though we aren’t living close together anymore. The fact that I can always hear your voice is what makes you my best friend. Love you!
Rachel
November 5, 2017I’ve got to stop reading these late at night. I seriously ugly cry every time I read one of your posts and I absolutely love every single word. I want to just come find you and give you a great big hug every time I hear your heart is heavy as you navigate through these experiences. Every post speaks to me on a deep level as well, a very relatable level. We need to get together. I would love to have you Jager and Jovie over this month while my kids are on track break. You have such a beautiful heart and I love that you share it so freely.
alyssaleolani1@gmail.com
November 11, 2017hahaha Rachel you’re the best! You are one of my most compassionate friends and I just love that about you! I feel your love with every comment you make and it’s just like getting a hug from you. I would love to get together. Let’s make this happen! Thank you for your constant kind words, they go straight to my heart!
Gordon
November 5, 2017Alyssa! Where did you learn to write…….so well? Kidding! Seriously good. We get it. GK and Susanna have been driving down that same road with Van for a while now. Thank you for such a beautiful post and striking imagery.
alyssaleolani1@gmail.com
November 11, 2017Bahahaha well hello Brother Risser! Thanks so much for taking the time to read it, I appreciate it! I didn’t know you had autism in your family as well. So I’m sure you hear all the tough challenges that they go through. Your family would be so perfect for an autistic child because of all the love in your family. No matter how the world treats Van he will always have a safe haven with you guys and that is powerful! I love you and your family so much, thank you for the kind words and for stopping in and reading!
Victoria Strnad Mowrey
November 5, 2017You’re an awesome mom! I myself have stood in front of a few of these houses you mentioned. Having a child with special needs regardless of what type can be challenging, not the child, but society & how they view these kids. Schools just dont want to change just a bit to help these kids learn cause its not the way they were taught. Some kids learn visually or by hands on but just because they dont fit into their cookie cutter mold they are pushed aside. Keep on being Jagger’s knight in shinning armor he will appreciate it down the line & you will be a happy, fulfilled mom!!
alyssaleolani1@gmail.com
November 14, 2017Well thank you so much Vicky! I appreciate the kindness and words of encouragement!!
Victoria
November 5, 2017All I can say is I Love You Alyssa! You have a beautiful way with words that just touch the heart. You reach into your soul to express your deepest thoughts and experiences but at the same time, you reach into our souls as well and relate to each of our lives. Thanks for bringing us along on your journey and for helping us remember to always be grateful. You’re right, through Jesus Christ everything will be made right and it will be okay. Love ya!
alyssaleolani1@gmail.com
November 14, 2017Thanks Victoria, I Love you too!! I love everything you wrote, it was very well put and made me think that maybe you should start a blog as well haha. Your faith has always been inspiring to me. I’m grateful for you sister!!
Alexandra Parker
November 5, 2017I loved this post Alyssa! You have an amazing gift writing and sharing your thoughts. Being a teacher myself it is so valuable to hear about your insights being the mom to an autistic boy. To me it’s interesting that a school could ever say that they are not going to accommodate your boy in any way. Here in Sweden all the teachers and schools are required to do all the accommodations they can to assist kids with disabilities.
alyssaleolani1@gmail.com
November 14, 2017Thank you so much for the sweet comments and feedback! Oh my word your schools in Sweden sound AMAZING and it is just mind boggling to me that our schools are not like that. Every child deserves an opportunity to learn!! And what kills me is these kids are so smart. I am excited to start on this journey and hopefully do something to create awareness and make a difference. Thank you so much for reading this and for your insight! I want to research schools in Sweden more now. 🙂
Jessica Large
November 5, 2017Alyssa! I really hope you are able to achieve your dream of opening a school! I love reading your thoughts and I know your would be an incredible teacher for those children. ❤❤❤
alyssaleolani1@gmail.com
November 14, 2017Jessica Large thank you so much for your sweet encouragement!! Wow your comment is so inspiring and uplifting, thank you so so so much for that. I hope mommy life is treating you well and that you continue to write as well!
Norrin Lau
November 6, 2017Alyssa, This is Bro Lau in the Hawaii Kai ward with my two special kids. The challenges you have are daunting. Remember….You are performing miracles with the help of your husband. Continue to ask your husband for help till he listens. Work as a team!
alyssaleolani1@gmail.com
November 14, 2017Bro Lau you are amazing! I have enjoyed reading about your experiences from your feedback on my posts. I feel strengthened when connecting with other parents who have gone or are going through the same challenges as we are. My husband is awesome, but I do need to do a better job at filling him in on everything I am learning so that he is more involved. Thank you so much for your advice and feedback! Please keep in touch!
Sonia Johnson
November 6, 2017Love reading about your thoughts and experiences! Sending prayers and love to your family and sweet little boy! Sometimes when I read about your little boy struggling to socialize with the other kids I wish I could just send my little Alisha over who’s 4 to play with him and to tell the other kids to be kind! 😭 I’m sure all of us moms can relate with wanting whats best for our kids but struggle with the thought of them getting hurt. But how wonderful it is that we can pick them right up dust them off and help them heal! Stay strong momma! Your doing great! 😘💪🏻❤️
alyssaleolani1@gmail.com
November 14, 2017Sonia you are a sweetheart!! Thank you for taking the time to read it, and for this sweet message! Bless your heart! I would love to do play dates with you and your sweet daughter if we lived closer 🙂 I appreciate your soft heart and hopefully my posts create an awareness of some of the trials some kids who are different may face. Thank you so much for your kindness!!!
Kathryn
November 6, 2017This is beautiful. I love the analogy. To make it my own, my kids need help picking from the Garden of Good Friends – something that has proven hard when you have different standards from the majority. There are so many weeds! Thankfully, there are a few lovelies. They are striving diligently and praying hard. All will work out in the end. I really hope you get your school!
This article was linked to in the Facebook seminary teachers group. I will subscribe. 😀
alyssaleolani1@gmail.com
November 14, 2017I love your analogy add on!! It fits so well! You are right, disability or no disability raising kids is hard because of the different challenges every single one of them faces. I agree, I think it’s very challenging for the youth to find good friends unspotted from the world and that is heartbreaking. Thank you so much for your kind comments and I am so touched that you subscribed! Thank you!! I hope to hear more of your comments and feedback with future posts.
Kathryn Heavenissmilingabove
December 3, 2017I surely will. 🙂 Either with my WordPress login or Facebook.
Rebecca
November 7, 2017Great storytelling. Best of luck to you and your little one. Hoping you find a school that is excellent and also inclusive. Sounds like maybe that one didn’t value diversity but others will.
alyssaleolani1@gmail.com
November 14, 2017Thank you so much! I am praying for a school that is excellent and inclusive like you said. I have butterflies in my stomach when looking but trying to trust in the Lord that it will all work out as it should. I appreciate your comment, thank you!
Heather Walker
November 8, 2017Hi Alyssa, Sawyer linked to this post from fb and I am so grateful to have read it. Thank you for the perfect beautiful reminder of which door is always open. It brought comfort to my heart tonight! I wish you all the best with your beautiful kiddos!
alyssaleolani1@gmail.com
November 14, 2017Heather!!! You know what, it’s just inevitable. Our families were meant to connect! I am finding that we Porters cannot stay away from you guys and I love that :). Thanks so much for reading this! It means a lot to me! Thank you for the sweet well wishes. When I write posts and am expressing the pain but also hope in my trials, I hope that people are comforted in their trials as well so I’m so glad you felt some comfort. We will have to catch up more at the next Super Saturday/ward activity!!
Jamie Wood Tonks
November 10, 2017So well written. My mom and I were discussing motherhood yesterday and she said you have to go read Alyssa’s blog. You are such a strong woman and mother and thank you for your words. When my son started first grade I instantly felt something was off with his new teacher. I was so uneasy and nothing was calming my concerns. I Was afraid of being “that mom” that went in making waves. Everyone I expressed my concerns to (my husband, my mom and close friends ) all agreed that we have to be our children’s best advocates because no one else will. We have to stand up for what we know to be best for our children. Long story short yesterday was his first day with his new teacher. I found out that I wasn’t the only parent concerned and I was grateful that I was brave enough to go in and speak up for what I felt was best. Thank you again!
alyssaleolani1@gmail.com
November 14, 2017Jamie!!!!! I was so happy to read a comment from you! I adore you and your sisters and especially your sweet mom. Thank you so much for reading this and telling me about your challenge as well. I think that is a challenge for me as well. Following a feeling and doing something for my child, and not being able to articulate as anything more than just a feeling. People look at me like I’m crazy. But I love what you said, we have to be the best advocates for our kids because the world definitely won’t be. You are wonderful, and such a great mama. You keep up the good work!! Love you!!!!
Angie Crowther
December 5, 2017I found your blog through your mom – we met her in Abu Dhabi. Thank you for writing your thoughts. Your blog is a blessing.
I have worked in education for almost 30 years, pushing against all the bias, selfishness, inertia, blindness that you describe. I have come to the same conclusion that you have: if we want change, we will have to do it ourselves. I wish you all the best in your plans.